Demon Dog
by xotakux2002x
Summary: wherein kakuzu decides to get a guard dog. tragic if not humorous consequences befall hidan when he insults the little beast.


A short, blonde female crept along the floor of the Akatsuki base, camera in hand. She was a bit surprised to have made it this far into the base and not found any of the members. Then again, perhaps they were hidden away in their rooms, "having fun". She licked her lips at the thought, crawling further and further-

WHAM

And then, all went black.

Hidan sighed and hefted the now unconscious girl onto his shoulders. "How many fucking fangirls is this?" he asked his partner in an agitated voice.

"Thirteen this quarter," Kakuzu replied.

"Jashin dammit, how the hell do they keep getting in here?!"

"I don't know," the banker admitted, "but tomorrow, I'm going to go into town and buy something to keep them-"

"Wait," Hidan interrupted. His eyes were wide as he stared in disbelief at his partner. "Did you just say that you were going to _buy _something?!"

"Yes," the elder man murmured as something tightened in his chest. Money was the dearest thing in the world to him; well, maybe it took a second place to Hidan. Or they tied. He couldn't be sure which…

"Damn, you poor bastard," Hidan chuckled. "This is something I gotta see."

"You're staying here," the miser snapped. "It'll be hard enough without you coming along."

"Kuzu-" Hidan whined.

"No. Besides, you have to release that fangirl back into her native environment, lest we disturb the natural order."

"Natural order my albino-"

"**Hidan**."

"Fine, asshole."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~the next day~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the time Hidan had gotten rid of the fangirl and returned to the base, everyone was crowded in the kitchen and talking about Kakuzu's plan. Rarely did the banker shell out for anything more than the barest necessities, so Kakuzu willingly going out to purchase this surprise was more than a bit exciting. "What do you think it'll be, danna?" Deidara asked in a curious manner.

"How should I know?" Sasori replied.

"As long as it works, does it really matter what he gets?" Kisame cut in.

"Hn," Itachi hummed in agreement.

"What if it's some kind of new security system, un?" the blonde queried.

"Hell will freeze over before my cheap-ass partner spends that kind of dough," Hidan immediately replied. "He's probably buying some twine and tin cans to rig up a homemade alarm-" before the masochist could continue his theory, the sound of the base's front door opening and shutting caught there attention. Everyone froze, waiting with baited breath to see what the miser had bought.

Their answer came moments later when Kakuzu entered the room, carrying a small, furry, sandy blonde bundle in his arms. "What is that?" Pein inquired, voicing the other's unasked question.

Kakuzu responded by setting down the furball on the floor. Instantly it stood on four legs, and looked up at the group with large, black eyes. Konan squealed in delight, while the others could only stare. "You got a dog?" Kisame finally got out.

"A _guard_ dog," Kakuzu corrected.

"That's a shih tzu, un," Deidara spat out.

"Dear god, are those the things that won't shut up when they start yapping?" Sasori groaned.

"That's what makes them the perfect watchdog," Kakuzu explained. "They yap when they see an intruder, are low-maintenance, don't shed much, and take up little space."

"I say it's a shitty dog with a shitty name," Hidan declared. Boldly, the zealot bent down, and poked the dog. Big mistake.

CHOMP

"OWW!" the Jashinist immediately drew back, shaking his hand madly as if that would make the pain in his bitten limb disappear.

"BARKBARKBARKBARKBARK," the dog yapped at Hidan angrily.

"I don't think it likes you, un."

"Shut the hell up."

"We're going now," Itachi stated. He stood and began moving towards the door. With a wave of his hand, he ordered Kisame to follow, and soon both of them were out of the room. Pein and Konan seemed to catch on, and made themselves scarce as well, soon followed by Zetsu and Tobi. Finally, Sasori and Deidara were able to sneak out. Leaving only the miser, masochist, and dog in the kitchen.

"It seems to like you," Kakuzu stated over the dog's barking. "I'll leave you to train Bellum then."

"Wait-" Hidan began as his partner turned to leave the room. At that moment, though, Bellum decided to attack, and latched onto the Jashinist's ankle with his teeth. "Fucking Jashin, let go of me!" Hidan commanded. He shook his leg widely in an attempt to get the dog off, but only succeeded in hitting the stone wall with his toes, which were tragically exposed to due his sandals.

The resulting profanities will not be dictated here, lest they turn your hair grey.

"BARKBARKBARKBARK…"

"Danna, I think Hidan's coming this way, un," Deidara muttered.

"Gee brat, whatever gave that away?" Sasori sarcastically inquired even as a smile danced upon his lips.

Sure enough, not even a few seconds later Hidan shuffled into the room, wearily carrying his scythe over his shoulders and looking ready to kill the next person who so much as said good day to him. Exactly three feet behind him pranced Bellum, barking like there was no tomorrow and never once looking away from Hidan.

"How goes the training?" Sasori queried.

Hidan slowly turned his head, and glared sheer death at the puppet master. "That THING hasn't fucking stopped to fucking breathe," he hissed through tightly clenched teeth.

"Wow. And it's been a whole week, un," Deidara noted in an impressed tone.

"I know," Hidan growled.

"Maybe you should just kill it," Sasori suggested. "I'm sure Kakuzu-"

"The bastard already told me if I kill this, he rips me apart and feeds me to Zetsu," Hidan groaned in a forlorn voice. "So for now, I'm stuck with this shitty dog that won't SHUT THE HELL UP!" he screamed, turning now to glare down at the fuzzy beast.

"BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK-"

"Be quiet!" Hidan yelled as he kicked at the dog. Bellum must have seen this coming, though, for it was quick to sidestep the kick and bite down on Hidan's ankle hard enough to draw blood. The zealot kicked at the dog with his free foot, but only managed to get the beast to growl up at him and chew harder.

"Fine, you asked for this!" Hidan announced as he removed his scythe from its resting position and held it up over his head. He really could care less about the banker's threat right now; he just wanted this monster to **die**.

Bellum seemed to have other plans, though. It waited until Hidan swung the blade, before releasing its hold on the masochist and running away. Tragically, Hidan could not stop his swing in time and managed to chop off his own foot directly above the ankle. "Jashin dammit!" he screamed out as the resulting loss of limb threw off his balance and made him fall to the floor.

Seeing a perfect opportunity, Bellum ran forward and picked up the masochist's foot in its mouth, before scampering out of the room, proudly displaying the new trophy in its mouth. "Get your furry ass back here!" Hidan ordered as he rose to his foot. Grumbling, he began hopping out of the room on his one good foot, in pursuit of the dog. By now, Sasori and Deidara were laughing too hard to do anything to aid their friend, and settled for cackling madly on the couch.

Several hours later found Hidan outside the base with a shovel in hand. He began digging in Zetsu's garden, grumbling all the while. The dog had managed to get his foot outside, and bury it underground. As a result, Hidan was now forced to search for his missing body part the hard way. "'Check outside,' Kakuzu says. 'Dig where there's loose soil,' he says. Nice job, fucker, everything out here is loose soil!" Hidan yelled angrily at no one.

"BARKBARKBARKBARK-"

"Go die already!"

Kakuzu had been reclining on his bed, about to drift off to sleep, when suddenly the door to his room burst open, the doorknob sinking into the nearby wall from the sheer force. In the doorway stood a half-crazed Jashinist, looking ready to snap. "Kakuzu, I've had it. Either that dog goes, or I fucking kill everyone around here!"

"Hidan-"

"Do you know what it's like, Kuzu?" Hidan began laughing at his own question. "Everywhere I go, I hear it! That little, yappy noise, those nails clicking against the floor, everything! It haunts my sleep, never leaves me when I'm awake, and the bastard still hasn't stopped to breathe!" He entered the room, pacing madly about. "I've tried, you know. Every little possible method to train the damn beast, and all failed! I'm at the end of my rope here, Kuzu-"

"BARKBARKBARKBARK-" Bellum interrupted.

SHUT UP! BARK! BARKBARK! YOU LIKE THAT, BITCH?!"

"BARK!"

"BARK!"

"BARK!"

"Kakuzu, make it fucking stop!"

The banker took a moment to roll his eyes before slapping his partner across the face. "Calm down. I was actually about to speak to you on this matter."

"What about?" Hidan inquired.

"The dog seems not to want to guard our base; only to yap at you. As a result, it's useless to us."

"You mean…" Hidan gulped, eyes wide and hopeful, "we can get rid of it now?"

"Yes."

"Oh hell yeah!" Laughing maniacally, Hidan held up his scythe and turned to look down at the dog. "Here, Bellum."

"BARK!...Bark? BARKBARK-YIPE!"


End file.
